can't stop thinking about her

I still have a bottle of her perfume.  I snuck it away when I was cleaning out her house.  The first time I breathed it in it was like a punch to the gut because her presence overwhelmed me in a single inhale.  That was 14 years ago and that bottle has moved with me and survived every bathroom clean-out since. 

In the early days she was my shadow and her memory appeared around every corner in my mind.  As the years passed she slipped away only to return for occasional visits.  Now though, I am living in her home, just me and the kids.  And all of the sudden, my grandmother has slipped right back in and she colors my thoughts at least once a day.  I look outside and I see her hanging out clothes on the line, I walk into her used-to-be bedroom and remember the exact dimensions of her furniture, I look outside and think about how I would wait and wait to see her car come over the top of the hill. 

I think about my kids and my desire that they would have known her makes me ache.  I’m sure she’d leave candy on their pillowcases and she’d make them all their favorite meals.  She would hold their little hands while riding next to them in the back seat of the car and she would stroke their hair and murmur her love over them.  She would let them stay up past their bedtime and she would welcome them crawling into her bed early in the morning to talk about the day.  She would be their one constant, their safe place, their biggest champion.  Just like she was for me.

I was talking on the only phone in the bottom stairwell of my dorm at Westminster in July of 2000 when my mom asked if I was sitting down.  Then she tried the best she could to explain what leukemia meant and how the diagnosis had all happened so fast.  It had only been weeks before that I had been in her home, sharing dinner and talking about my upcoming study abroad trip.  She had mentioned that she was tired.  How does tired turn into leukemia in just a few weeks?  I came home from London and held her hand during lucid moments and moments where it was just me pouring my heart out to her, begging her to stay and then finally telling her goodbye, that she was free to go.  And so she did.  She left on September 24.  At her funeral we sang Precious Memories.  “Precious memories, how they linger.  How they ever flood my soul.  In the stillness, of the midnight, precious, sacred scenes unfold.”

 
Tonight I take out her perfume and I drink deep – I know it’s in vain, but for just a moment, if I close my eyes, it’s like my grandmother’s right here with me.  I walk into the kid’s room and I look at them asleep in their beds.  My heart wells up with a fierce and tender love for them.  A love that makes me go weak in the knees.  And then I realize that I have been loved in just.the.same.way.  And gratefulness floods my soul, for to have been loved like that must be one of life’s most precious, sacred gifts.

when goodbye isn't good enough

The past few months have been full of goodbyes.  After 10 years of being at Bosqueville Baptist Church, Brad accepted a position at McLean Baptist Church in McLean, Virginia.  Because my default is to avoid emotional complexities, I’ve survived the last couple of weeks by staying busy, which hasn’t been difficult considering the lengthy to-do list associated with a cross-country move.  The truth is that goodbyes are the worst and it’s just too painful to allow myself to feel all of them. 

The decision process to accept the invitation to McLean was so complex and so simple all at the same time.  Over the last couple of years Brad and I have prayed that we would be open to God’s leading in our lives, regardless of the timing or the location.  And all along we would have been content if the answer had been: BBC is the location and forever is the timing.  But, something in our spirits seemed to be whispering that there was a different answer.  And when it came, it felt easy to make the decision, and hard too, because we knew that to embrace a new life and a new congregation meant to let go of the one that had held us for so long. 

So, the past month has been full of goodbyes and I’ve realized the gross inadequacy of human words.  Because thank you and goodbye have kept rolling off my lips and each time, they smack of insufficiency and yet when I think about how to express what I really feel, I struggle in vain to come up with words that are worthy.

Is this even close to saying thanks?

Thank you BBC, for accepting us, as our 25 year old selves and not looking back.  We knew so little, but you were so kind and your graciousness was a covering over us.  Thank you for giving us the freedom to be ourselves and to find a bit of ourselves, too. 

Thank you for teaching us through your lives and your love.   So many faith lessons…I’ve learned through single moms about sacrifice and courage.  I’ve learned through Sunday School and AWANA leaders about endurance, patience and gentleness.  The youth have taught me that faith is not a destination but a constant journey.  The children have modeled authenticity to me as I've heard their small voices rising unfiltered to God in prayer, week after week during worship services.  I’ve learned countless lessons from the wisdom of the older generation; they’ve modeled a life worth striving after; they’ve given me an answer to the question of who I want to be when I grow up.  I’ve learned from the daring about risky faith and the struggles and rewards that come from passionately pursuing a vision from God.  I’ve learned from the heartbroken about what resilience and hope look like.  I’ve watched people serve unnoticed but faithfully, year after year, at a specific task or ministry – and they’ve unknowingly taught me humility and selflessness.  The misfits, those on the fringe, they’ve taught me that we all have our own story with God, that faith has many different colors and dimensions, which add to its beauty.  So many faith lessons...

At the end of the day, even more, at the end of 10 years, how do you really say goodbye?  Goodbye simply isn’t good enough.  It simply comes up too short.  And besides, I want to boycott goodbye because it implies a finality that I don’t think I believe in.  I started thinking about Jesus – how did handle goodbyes?  And I started thinking about Paul – he worked with so many churches, so how did he handle farewells?  As I started reading, I realized they didn’t say goodbye.  Jesus simply told his followers to go and do, and Paul’s favorite method of closure wasn’t saying goodbye, it was giving a blessing, speaking grace and peace over his readers.  This gives me great comfort.  Because it’s true – as Christians we are knit together.  The Bible says that we are grafted together – we can’t be separated because we are literally tethered to one another by the spirit of God.  Proverbs says that, ‘as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another’.  The people at BBC have sharpened me over the past 10 years, literally changed me and left their mark on me, so I’ll always carry them with me.  All of us now move forward, to encounter different people who will challenge us, teach us, shape us, sharpen us in a new way.  And those people yet to come will also leave their mark on us and us with them. 

Brad and I’s last words in our last worship service are how I want to close our chapter at BBC.  Not with thank you and goodbye.  Those words offer some meaning, but not enough.  And while the following words aren’t perfect either, they do express my dreams for the people that I love and will always hold dear and who will always be a part of me.  So, for you, my family at BBC:

May the love of God surround you;
May Jesus Christ always stand before you with an invitation to know him and to follow him;
May the Spirit give you wisdom and grace for the journey,
May God be with each and all of us until we meet again.
To Him be all the praise and all the glory, forever and ever.  Amen.

cousin camp 2012

Our 4th annual Cousin Camp was held this past weekend.  And I'm happy to report, I believe we out-did ourselves this time around!

The cousins were all super excited before the weekend began.  It's neat to think that they'll probably be even more excited these next few years as they grow older. 

They love being silly together.  Grant and Sophia paired up (as usual).  There were several times when the 2 of them would be off somewhere and we'd have to check that they weren't getting into trouble.  Jake paired up with Lucy most of the weekend - he loves to play with her and she LOVES the attention.  After the weekend was over and we were driving home, she kept crying and saying over and over again, "i want jake!"  And then there's Joshua.  Poor guy - he was a little bit of the odd man out this year being the little brother - but, he is pretty resilient and didn't let that get him down.

There are always lows during the weekend like this.  Poor Joshua got stung by a scorpion the first night.  He was very brave and thankfully recovered pretty quickly when we started roasting marshmallows.

They now make jumbo marshmallows - it's like the Big Mac version of marshmallows.  As if marshmallows weren't bad enough for you already.

After a hike in Cameron Park we had a picnic and let the kids play in the spray park.  Loved seeing them so blissful.

We headed to Lake Whitney on Saturday.  It was shallow enough that all the kids could splash and play.  I just love Lucy in a swimsuit, she has such great curves.

We spent one afternoon at the creek.  I re-discovered the place that Amy and I used to play at when we were kids.  We called this place 'the bathtub'.  The kids had fun jumping in the deep part.

We spent a good hour hunting and catching tiny frogs.  All the kids got into it, and even Amy overcame her fear and caught a few :)

A new addition to Cousin Camp: Cousin Olympics.  We played games that we already had supplies for - hence, pillow case races.

My favorite - the egg toss game.  This was taken seconds before the egg cracked all in Sophia's hair.  At which point she completely lost it in a total meltdown.  I don't think it ever occurred to her that the egg might crack on her.  She was not a happy camper.

The finale was a game in which you had a minute to throw as many cheezits as possible at your partner, who was covered in shaving cream.  Sophia of course didn't want to get dirty herself, but was happy to throw handfuls towards Grant.

Last game of the weekend was a ranch-wide scavenger hunt.

They had 8 clues and at each stop they collected pieces to a puzzle.  At the end, they each had to complete their own puzzle in order to gain a prize (bubble gum, always a cheap thrill).

Cousin Camp was exhausting, but not as much as previous years.  It was hard to find a weekend that worked for both of our schedules, but I'm so glad we've made it a priority.  I can't help but think of new fun things we can incorporate as the kids get older.  It's also amazing how you can create such fun memories for little to no cost.  We made all our meals and all our activities were free or close to free.  The only thing we really paid for was the movie we saw.  

To end, here were the highs and lows we had over the weekend:

Lows: Joshua's sting, Lucy teething and not sleeping at all Saturday night, bull-nettle encounters

Highs: the creek stomp because it reminded me of being a kid, finally seeing the bald eagle at the river after 2 failed attempts, the quiet time at night after the kids went to bed when Amy, Brad, and I could just talk, AND....pulling an entire string of spaghetti out of Lucy's nose after a chocking incident - who knew that could happen??? It was crazy!

Here's looking forward to Cousin Camp 2013!

recap and onward

I dislike the blog feature that tracks how long it's been since your last post.  I just watch the days move to weeks, move to months, and 'ahhh!' I want to write, but there seems to be little time or inspiration.

The last 2 months have been full, on all fronts.

1. Lucy started Waco Montessori this week.  We bid goodbye to Marian, a true God-send who loved her and cared for her over the past year and a half.  Day 3 and still lots of tears.  Grant prayed that she would 'be happy and not sad at school and not cry' the past 2 nights. 

2. Brad and I celebrated 10 years.  I still remember the first time I saw him.  On the ski trip I ended up on when someone else canceled.  Him in his blue and yellow Abercrombie sweater.  We rode a ski lift together and he was a great conversationalist.  I immediately had a crush.  Seven months later we were dating and 4 years after that we were married.  He's my best friend and true teammate.  We had a great getaway in San Antonio.  It's amazing how much time is in a day when you aren't caring for children.  We ate at our favorite restaurant, I read an entire book cover to cover (a Pulitzer Prize winning book at that), we saw two movies, we slept in each morning, and we spent hours by the pool.  All in just 2 days!!!

3.  Grant got his first stitches.  Without us.  He spent a few days in San Antonio and was royally spoiled as usual.  Poor guy was excited to get out of the car at the Children's Musuem so he could go see the Reptile guy and he tripped - 6 stitches later his chin was all repaired.

4. I've been making loaves and loaves of white bread.  I realize this is a sin in an increasingly gluten-free world.  In fact, I kind of want to explore a more gluten-free life.  Yet, I can't stop making homemade country white bread.  Fresh out of the oven with butter and honey - there's nothing better.

5. I continue to drive to Temple, Texas on a regular basis just to buy yogurt.  I am practical, logical, scheduled oriented, and I espouse a mantra of 'work smarter, not harder', yet I love 3 Happy Cows yogurt so much I will drive 30 minutes one way just to buy a weeks worth of yogurt.

6. Brad turned in his final draft for his doctoral project May 29.  Now he is just awaiting the directive for revisions with hopes of defending in July and graduating in August.  When that day comes, it will be worthy of quite a reflective post.  I'm so proud of him for getting this far (5 years in the making) and just so glad it's almost over for all of us.

7. After 8+ doctors and a year and a half later, Brad saw a doctor today who said he thinks he can help him.  He will get his first pain injection on June 18.  It's been such a long journey and it's really impacted our family life in so many ways.  I know it might not work, but I am so thankful for a glimmer of hope.

8. Watermelon.  It's that time again.  Estimate we will be going through 2 a week this summer at the rate we are going.

There have been lots of other things that have filled the past two months.  A full plate at work with hiring new staff, meetings about the community garden we are starting at BBC, several fun weekends at the ranch, a fishing trip, bike rides, and much more.

Now all the sudden, summer is here.  I love it already.  I don't care that it's hot.  I love how late it is before the sun sets.  I love grilling corn on the cob and letting the kids play with the water hose and the sounds outside at night.  Here's to the next few months that lie ahead.

the most wonderful time of the year

is springtime in Texas! We are staying out at the ranch for awhile to enjoy the wildflowers and spring weather. Brad and I can't remember a year with more wildflowers than this year. Grant comes alive at the ranch - he is constantly begging for one of us to go on an 'adventure walk'. Here are some pictures from our ranch vacation.

in grant's world, the more mud there is, the better the adventure was.

this is lucy's favorite ranch look

lucy's first trip to the creek - she was quite adventurous!

The creek was so full there was a small waterfall that made a natural slide

i thought norman might have a heart-attack. he's been getting LOTS of exercise.

Trip Photos

I was so happy to fly back last Sunday. Brad and Grant drove to Dallas to pick me up. My flight ended up getting in late because of snow in Chicago. When I walked outside to the curb, there was Grant, shivering in the cold and half-asleep, with flowers in hand and a colored 'Welcome Home' sign - I was so happy to see him and Brad!

I have a ton of pictures from the trip, but I'm going to try to just share a sample. First, I know I mentioned before that the smog was so awful there. You can see what I am talking about in the pictures below - the seatown was the cleanest we were in, and yet, it was still noticeably hazy.

Most of the trip was work. We would give presentations and interview students. I really hope the student below comes to Baylor because she was fabulous. Notice on my table I have lots of bear memorabilia - they love, love stuffed animals in China, who knew? We got hosted for most of our meals and they would always consist of sitting around a huge round table and feasting off a ton of dishes that would go around and around on a lazy susan - you would just reach your chopsticks out and grab whatever you wanted.

Below are pictures from a park. The architecture is so pretty and they have rock gardens everywhere. It was very peaceful to walk through the parks since every other place was so crowded.

Below are 2 street scenes. The shopping was pretty incredible - silk, bags, scarfs, pearls. You could bargain for anything - wasn't uncommon to start a bid at $300 RMB and end it at $60 RMB. If I were to ever return I would bring a lot more spending money!

My absolute favorite thing was going to the Panda preserve. They were mesmorizing. We went during the morning when they were being fed and all you could hear was the sound of them eating. The grounds were beautiful - it was like being in a jungle and everything was quiet and serene.

A World Away Pt 2

Hitting the Great Wall:

Day 8. Seen 4 cities so far. I would venture to say that pretty much every city looks the same here. High rises everywhere, lots of high end shops mixed right in with little markets. A couple of observations and experiences to share:

1. I can't get over the air quality. It's oppressively sad to me to think that the people here literally have no concept of a blue or star filled sky. You can see the faintest blue far above the haze of smog, but every picture I take seems as if my lens cap is smudged with dirt.

2. The people here for the most part are incredibly humble and gracious. We have received nice gifts from all the schools we have visited and last night we had the most amazing experience. One of the Chinese students who attends the Univ of Vermont is from the city we are currently in. Her parents own several restaurants in the city and insisted on hosting us. It was a very high end place. It specialized in organic and local dishes. We had a huge banquet room and all sorts of dishes including a hot pot full of 6-7 different kinds of mushrooms. We had fish, sausage, tofu, vegetables, noodles, rice and so much more. We toasted many times throughout the night and it was quite a memory.

3. Reading translations is very funny, we keep taking pictures of funny things we see. As in today, we went to see the panda preserve and the sign in front said we could rent strollers, umbrellas, and sewing kits?

4. People spit everywhere, the sound is so repulsive, I'm just glad I haven't been in anyone's way yet. Also, it is highly entertaining to watch the amount of multi-tasking people can do on their scooters. They can manage to smoke, hold an umbrella, pull a huge cart behind them of assorted goods, and weave in and out of what I would say is highly dangerous traffic. I think if they have driving school over here it must be called offensive driving and not defensive driving!

5. Went to the panda preserve this morning, it was such a great experience. We went in the morning and got to see them being fed. I took a million pictures and videos. We saw baby pandas, teenage pandas, and adult pandas. I wish Grant could see this place, he would be in heaven.

6. Beginning to daydream about things I get to do in just 4 days: see Brad!, kiss Lucy's squishy cheeks, listen to Grant's stories, eat Mexican food, also enjoy the nice spring weather in Texas and thank God for beautiful skies.

A world away

Here I am, a half a world away from everyone and everything I know. It's day 4 of the 12 day trip. I think this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I said yes to this trip believing that in the greater perspective of life I would be glad to have seen this part of the world. And I'm still placing my bets in favor of that perspective, but whew, nothing is easy about this right now.

I arrived in Shanghai at 9:30 at night. I was given advice before I left to just act like I knew what I was doing. That is what I did after getting off the plane - I just followed the rest and watched what paperwork they filled out and what line they got in. It felt funny to be entering China - the line was full of men, about 60. They were only about 4 women. The whole trip over here felt very lonely. Thankfully there was a man holding a sign with my name on it after baggage claim, and I was whisked away 30 minutes later to my hotel.

It is cold here right now. It has also rained off and on. I keep thinking it is so foggy outside, yet sadly it's smog. I can't imagine living without clear blue skies. Shanghai was huge. When I looked out my window in the morning, there were skyscrapers in every direction as far as you could see. Everything looks a bit old and dirty. Funny enough, I could also see Starbucks, Best Buy, and Nike from the hotel.

The food here is as everyone said it would be...very good, but also quite interesting. They love their lazy susan's here. Every plate is so artistic and they bring plate after plate of new options. At the first dinner they had so many different things: fried crab, slices of pumpkin and dates, watermelon, dumplings, fried fish that had been rearranged to look like a squirrel (why, I do not know), goat ribs, mushrooms, seaweed, loofah (I have only used a loofah in the bath and had NO idea it was actually a plant you could eat!), bamboo, and lots more fish and meat dishes that thankfully I successfully avoided without being noticed. I learned in that first meal not to dunk your item in the sauce next to it because the sauce might be wasabi! I can certainly see why most Asians are thin. You get the smallest bites with chop sticks. I eat just a little at every meal, but feel so full because it takes me a long time to just get those few bites.

We drove to a different city tonight. They say it is the Venice of China. It looks lovely, but we won't be here long. Our hotel is lavish and I look forward to exploring in the daylight tomorrow. I wold post pictures of the trip thus far, but I'm not using my phone, so I don't have a way to upload any.

Everyone on the trip can't believe I have young children that I left at home. I already agree with them. Day 4...a third of the way....I can do this....perspective....

Now that I know I can access blogger, I'll post again when I have time....makes me feel a little connected and not so far away in this big world.

birthday weekend

The birthday celebration is officially over. The now five-year old is all tuckered out and fast asleep in bed. It's been a really fun couple of days in our family.

Birthday morning eating a sprinkle donut on the special plate.

Celebration of Life at school

Great Wolf Lodge!

Check out the birthday hat - very goofy looking.

Jack can always make Lucy laugh

In pjs and waiting for story time to start.

I love Lucy in a swimsuit...

Mastering the lily pads, no small feat.

Great Wolf Lodge did not disappoint. It was a great way to celebrate Grant's 5th birthday and it was fun to make another Bowlin-Herridge family memory. Can't wait to go back when we have more time. Now, on to this week: teaching Grant how to use his birthday gift from us - a bike without training wheels!

Church

I've been really sentimental about our church lately. Brad just finished his eighth year at Bosqueville. Our church was established in 1854 and yet Brad has now officially had the longest tenure of any of it's pastors.

It's funny being on this side of the fence when it comes to churches. Over the years, I've watched so many of my friends search for a church to call their home. They've church-shopped. I've listened as they've compared churches and listed the pros and cons of a particular church. This one has great worship, but no small groups; this one has amazing preaching but not a lot of young people; this one is really friendly but it's not very missional, and the list can go on and on.

Eight plus years ago Brad was in the middle of his Masters program with a lot of part-time pastoral experience but no full-time experience. We lived out at my grandparent's ranch and sometimes, if I was in the mood to take the long way home from work, I'd turn off Steinbeck Bend and drive all the way down Rock Creek Road, passing Bosqueville Baptist Church on my left. I always loved it's architecture, it's endearing steeple, it's white clap-board sides. One day, this church called us and wanted to interview Brad. A few weeks later, he preached for them in an evening worship service in a small church in Gatesville, Texas and afterwards we sat around a dinner table and talked about what it would be like for Brad to pastor their church.

We were not in a position to 'church shop'. We had a strong sense that the people we had met were genuine, salt-of-the-earth people. But that was about it, a sense, a hunch that things would be okay if we were to join this church. But largely it was just a leap of faith.

Eight years later, we're still here. All of the sudden I look around each Sunday and my heart feels so full. So full of memories, brimming with lessons learned and relationships treasured. We've laughed with these people, cried with these people, been hurt by these people, been healed by these people, been forgiven, been taught - and it's become family. The moments haven't all been easy, but looking back, I know they've all been sacred.

And I'm glad we didn't have the luxury to be in a position to be choosy. We just had to jump in and choose to accept, choose to love, choose to learn to get along.

I dressed the kids up this morning and Grant, Lucy, and I walked over to church. We stopped on the way to the nursery so Grant could hug Ms. Carolyn, one of his many surrogate grandmothers. In service, I clapped as we recognized Katie's 90th birthday - I want to be just like her when I grow up - wise, open-minded, hospitable, relevant, humorous. I sat in the pew in front of Nana and Terry. I listened to their voices behind me as we sang hymns, declaring how good God's love is. I passed the offering plate down the row till it reached Joseph and Tritne. Both were so young when we first came and they've grown so much - it's easy to see how God has put a hedge around them and is leading them. It's refreshing and exciting to watch. In front of me were Sarah and Natalie, who stole glances back at me and Grant. They came to our church from afar 2 years ago all the way from Russia. They burrowed their way right into our hearts and I treasure the little notes they draw for me and Lucy and Grant during service. I looked across the aisle to the Donaldson's. So many meals and conversations we've shared. Kyle was in grade school when we first came. This morning he played the guitar and helped usher me into the presence of God during worship. Lizzie had Maya in her lap. Little Maya who we prayed and prayed for, who every time I see her reminds me that God and God alone creates and sustains life, that God can surprise us in the most miraculous ways. Vic gave the offertory prayer. Whenever I see him, I am struck by one word - generosity. He is the most generous man I've ever met. I think that Jesus would really like that. Frank led us in prayer. He is the best cook. I made roast for lunch today with some of the venison he gave us last week. The same week the Bostick's shared 2 dozen fresh farm eggs with us. Tammy gave our closing word. She was brave to declare the words she did and I thought it was fitting she would end our service that centered around how rich God's love is towards us. As we walked outside toward home, the Merenda boys ran towards the parsonage to play basketball with Grant and take turns riding his bike. Jerome and Karan took all 4 of them in 2 years ago and our church has loved experiencing the energy that the lives of 4 little boys brings. Walking home I admire the neat piles of leaves stacked around our driveway. Danny was at our house yesterday. He mowed our yard and cleaned all the leaves up around the house. He and Joyce are a true comfort to Brad and me. We've relied on them for advice and guidance so many times. They give life to the word 'faithful'.

And I could go on and on and on, this was just a small sample from this morning. So many other faces and voices and stories and experiences fill my mind even now. Eight years ago, we took a more or less blind leap to join this group of people. And I hope that everyone gets to experience church as we have. Because church is where you learn about God and where you experience him through others. No church is perfect, but I wouldn't want a perfect church anyways.

{ three simple joys }

i love reading christine's simple joys. here are some of the things that have made my heart smile lately.

lucy's rolls.

i can't squeeze and kiss her chubby arms and fat thighs enough.

'special days' with just Grant, Brad, and me.

On a day when there were 1000 other things to do, we loaded up and headed to Bosque Valley golf course, which is a little piece of heaven off a small county road near Meridian, Texas. Wayne Muller in his book Sabbath says, "“Sabbath requires surrender. If we only stop when we are finished with all our work, we will never stop, because our work is never completely done. With every accomplishment there arises a new responsibility... Sabbath dissolves the artificial urgency of our days, because it liberates us from the need to be finished.” This day was a sabbath day for us.

Sharing a home with a child.

I watched out the window as Grant meandered through our back yard picking flowers and weeds. Later, when I walked out to the front porch, I discovered the efforts of his labor - he had arranged all of them in various cups and filled them each with water. He said he wanted to decorate the porch and make it pretty. Indeed, he had.

Re-entry

After a LONG hiatus, I am back to journaling. At least for now.


Part of the problem with taking a break from journaling is that when you decide to pick it back up, you have no idea where to start. Instead of trying to chronicle the many events that happened over the last few months, here's a random sampling of the things running through my head and filling my life right now.

1. I just got onto Pinterest. I have a love/hate relationship with it already. It's inspiring with all it's amazing ideas and depressing at the same time because who has the time? One thing I did try from it: the 100 workout. 100 jumping jacks, 90 crunches, 80 squats, 70 leg lifts, repeat till you've counted down to 10, then run for 10 minutes. I literally have not worked out since AUGUST. So, I've been hobbling around today, my quads so sore I've been wincing. But, it's kind of a great feeling at the same time.

2. I'm feeling really hopeful about 2012. Both for me and so many of my friends. There are signs of life all around. On a day in November when I was particularly sad and overwhelmed I asked my dear friend to pray for me. She shared this verse from Psalm 27 with me and I've kept thinking of it as we've entered this new year: "What would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for the Lord. Be brave and let your heart endure."

3. Grant is about to be 5. As I've said before, 4 is a magical age and I'm not ready for it to be over. I had to check the 'kindergarten' box on his school registration form for next year and it was so sad to me. I remember thinking my sister was a crazy woman when Jake started kindergarten because she was so sentimental and teary about it all. But here I am, so oddly emotional about him turning 5. How can 5 seem so old?

4. My Lucy...she is a pill. Only 16 months and she can already arch her back and stomp her foot with the best toddler tantrum-thrower out there. I love her squishy arms and legs. I love that she's obsessed with shoes. I love the face she makes and what she does with her mouth when she comes toward you to give you a kiss.

5. Coming up on my year anniversary of being back at work. So many thoughts about this one but at the top of the list is one that could not have been predicted - gratitude.

6. Found a diamond earring this weekend that I lost over TWO years ago. What a find. It more than made up for the fact that I went through 2 iphones over the Christmas holidays. Yep, 2 phones. That actually happened. In less than 7 days. Jessica says the universe is trying to give me a message.

7. I am now on the 2012 entries in my 'One Line a Day' journal. I'm giddy about getting to February because then I'll be adding entries under the ones from last year. I can't recommend this little book enough, such a brilliant idea.

8. I love honest articles about parenting. Like this one. The ending is the best and a perfect description of chronos time vs. kairos time.

Whew, I did it. The band-aid from not writing in months is now torn off. Let's hope this lasts. At least for your sake, mom.

Goodbye September

Where does the time go? She's a year old. Already a year. I'm getting more nostalgic as I get older. Her one-year birthday reminds me of Rent lyrics, days of being a Tri Delt, and the voice of Shawna singing:

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,

Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear,

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,

How do you measure, measure a year?

Getting her out of her crib is the best part of the day. She is standing up waiting, just giggling with glee. She LOVES Norman. She has a new passion for lima beans. She has severe food envy. Regardless of what you are eating, she wants a taste. And she will throw a tantrum until you share your plate with her. She's ticklish under her neck and on her feet. She walks with a wide stance, like a sumo wrestler. Funny, because her thighs look like a sumo wrestler's. She likes to kick her right foot while drinking and twirl her hair with her right hand. She's like a mermaid in the bath, flipping over and around, going under and not caring. She's got the best dimples and loves to laugh. She owns all our hearts.

{ keepsake prayer }

If you don't read Ann Voskamp's blog, you should. A couple of weeks ago she posted this prayer for a daughter. I have such dreams for Lucy and this prayer so perfectly expresses them. I'm writing these words down because as she grows, this will be my prayer for her.

God, clothe this girl in a gown of Grace,
the only dress that makes beautiful the style of Your spirit.
Nourish her on the comfort food of the Word,
Word, that makes her crave more of Christ, have hunger pains for Him.

Enclose her in communion with You
You, Love who makes her love, who folds her heart
into a roof that absorbs storms,
that makes her tongue speak only the words that make souls stronger.

May her vocation in this world simply be translation
Translating every enemy into esteemed guest,
Translating every countenance into the face of Christ,
Translating every burden into blessing

When it's hard to be patient...make her willing to suffer,
When it's ridiculous to be thankful...make her see all is grace,
When it's radical to forgive...make her live the foundation of faith,
And when it's time to work...make her a holy wonder.

May she be bread and feed many with her life and laughter,
May she be thread and mend brokeness and knit hearts,
May she be dead to all ladders and never go higher, only lower,
to the lonely, the least, and the longing
Her led of the Spirit to lead many to the Cross -
that leads to the tomb, wildly empty.

And raise me, Lord, from the deadness of my own sins
to love this beautiful girl like You do...

In the name of Christ who rose
and appeared first
to one of His daughters...
Amen